I am back – Or am i?



I am so sorry for not being around for the last 4/5 months. This is all because i have found the love of my life!

One might argue that this isn’t ample reason to go off the blog (which still is a big part of my life) but my life has been so free flow and dreamy. I can’t describe the feelings which I have for this man. He makes me the happiest person alive.

I liken the feeling to eating your favourite food. For example, I love boiled egg and soldiers (toast). It is like waking up on a Sunday morning, coming down stairs to see members of your family and cooking yourself a runny, yolky boiled egg on golden toast. Liken your favourite food and imagine that feeling 50 times over.

However, I still have confessions and self-help ideas…I am still only 21. So this post is a pledge to tell you I WILL be back.


Thank you loyal readers,


Q x


Finally have some free typing time!


Notsosecretlifeofa21yearold here! Finally!

I have been trying to squeeze in typing time for about 4 days, and the week before that I didn’t have time to pee let alone spend 30 minutes on a piece.

So here it is, I am a primary school teacher. First week complete! My kids are very naughty but so endearing and genuinely hilarious. I have had my fair share of problems this week and break-through moments so I thought i would call this piece:

Surviving your first week at a new job (catchy huh? ;))

I am currently full of whitening toothpaste (5+ cups of tea is making them more yellow than the sun) and sitting in my joggers and bra, my hair is damp in a top knot and I am listening to euro-trash music. So PLEASE don’t expect a critically acclaimed post this evening (or morning). I am in such an excitable mood that anything goes today (including irrelevant ! and smiley faces:)) So here goes, take two!!!

Surviving your first week at a new job: my 3 tips

  1. Smile until your mouth aches. Nobody likes meeting people for the first time, let alone having to work with them. First impressions are ridiculously important, if they think you are a bit scatty and shrill that is MUCH BETTER than being the member of staff that doesn’t get along with anyone. This week, I have listened to stories all about the woes of carpool, the difference between lidl & Aldi and even a kick-by-kick rendition of Sunday football league. I didn’t give a shit about any of those things, but i nodded, asked obvious questions and laughed along at jokes Kevin Hart couldn’t even make funny. Although it seems a waste of time, in a few weeks time you will have a set of work friends which can give you great comfort in the long run.
  2. Find where the kettle/machine is and make bloody tea. Or coffee. This is a MUST! It is also a great way of asking other staff for things. E.g. ‘here is a tea Sandra, now could you possibly tell me how to get to the loo?’. Not only do you and Sandra become friends, she also helps you with your day. Nothing worse that aimlessly trying to spot the ladies when about to release Niagara Falls.
  3. Don’t be afraid to accept you will fuck up. This is my biggest piece of advice! I HATE getting things wrong, I am such a child about it and I struggle to take criticism. You are not expected to know anything about your new job. Let that sink in, don’t feel bad if you forgot something you were told 30 seconds ago, or used the wrong printer. This is your time to ask as many silly questions as possible and make as many mistakes. ROLL.WITH.IT. Last week, I completely forgot to teach my kids a vital part of their maths lesson, I got a slap on the wrist from my fellow year group teacher and we laughed about it! We are all human.

And PLEASE remember, no matter how vocational, it is only a job. You live one life, if you hate it – LEAVE. The world is your oyster no matter what who you are.


So fellow readers, that is it from me for now! Please comment if you fancy and give me a lil like if my writing was horrendous (reverse psychology – nifty huh? ;)) I am going to go and watch Harry Potter with my family. Hope your Sunday is restful!


Laters gang!


Q xx




I dream of kindness…

So, this is my second poem blog post. Over the last 2 months I have realised the power of kindness. I have decided that my values/morals for the rest of my life are to be based around kindess. Kindness is my priority above everything. So, to celebrate this epiphany I have decided to write this poem. Hope you enjoy fellow reader!

The Act of Kindness.

The act of kindness is infectious,

You want to feel their kind of happiness

You want to experience those pleasures

Not have expectations of it in return

Breathe their air

Believe in their ideals


See kindness isn’t learnt

You can teach it

It isn’t always natural

But you can be born with it


Being kind to one person

Impacts a thousand souls, minds and bodies

Day to day life obscures our understanding of communication

We are compelled to act in the opposite way

We want to blame, to attack

We rarely have the urge to forgive, rather the urge to seek justice

But you cannot identify a common justice

Is justice fair? Or is it revenge?

Are we seeking what we deserve? Or inflicting pain

Is pain kindness?


Kindness is infectious,

Try it.

Fear, Anxiety and Me.

Did you know that ‘anxiety’ just means worrying?

Did you know that you don’t need to score very highly on the PHQ (patient health questionnaire that all therapists will assess your mental health on) to be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Did you know that a slight imbalance in your mental health is totally normal?

So these 3 questions are what I learnt in early 2017 about mental health and I feel like we all need a little reminder of these facts. 

Before I explain my story, let me hit you with some truths:

  1. Anxiety and Depression is the most common mental disorder in both the U.K and USA.
  2. 4-10% of Britons will experience depression in their life-time.
  3. Although this is not as relevant, 80% of new mums experience ‘baby blues’ which is linked to Postpartum Depression.
  4. 1 in 6 adults have a common mental disorder (note the focus on common).

Unless you are a very lucky soul, you will experience some issues with your mental health. Does this mean that you are crazy, weak or different? NO. This is totally normal, you are not expected as a human being to be perfect! I would be genuinely terrified if you had a smile plastered all over your face 24/7!

The reason I am writing this post is because I am such a believer in prioritising mental health. I think it is THE most important thing in your life, it binds together every factor of existence and can make or break you. Additionally, when I was at my worse, I didn’t seem to find reassurance. THIS IS YOUR REASSURANCE! I can promise you with my whole heart that it is completely normal to feel like you are not worth this life, you can’t get out of bed and struggle to see a life without these demons. It isn’t you simply over exaggerating or being silly, it is your HUMAN FEELINGS.

So here goes:

After my break up (see advice to dumpees for more goss about it), my mental health dipped. I am naturally a worrier, I seek ALOT of comfort from my worries and often spend hours worrying about things like ‘is the front door closed?’ or ‘will strangers stab me in my sleep if I sleep with my bedroom light on?’.

Throughout the weeks post breakup, I became increasingly more anxious. I was beginning to find everyday life very difficult. I would often go to bed at 9pm, get over 12 hours of sleep and still not want to leave my bed. I was very irritable, wouldn’t socialise much and took no pride in myself. I became very ill with constant sore throats, intense stomache aches and sore legs from the constant ‘on edge’ tension I felt.

My tipping point was when I stopped going to uni for a while and had a job interview for my dream school. Naturally, because I was so anxious I really struggled to be on top-form during the interview. The head teacher commented on my trial lesson as ‘one of the worst lessons I have ever seen’. Despite getting the job, this really knocked my confidence. I felt like I couldn’t celebrate anything and I was completely worthless.

I only went to the doctors to ask for anti-depressants to help me get through the last couple of months of university. When I explained how I was feeling, he immediately dismissed my request and referred me to CBT.

CBT is a short for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is a type of therapy which is very common. It focuses on creating routines/behaviours which help deal with depression and anxiety. The aim was to cope with the problem rather than ‘cure’ the problem.

I saw the amazing Amy The Therapist for 12 weeks. For the first 4 hours of therapy I spent the time crying, asking her if i was crazy and telling her my life story. I am a massive learner, and I really wanted to understand my mental state. CBT did this. Amy The Therapist explained that I was just experiencing a moment of high anxiety and this was because my body was in over-drive.

One of the key issues for me was intrusive thoughts; these are thoughts that get start as a ‘worry’ and then spiral completely out of control. Commonly experienced by OCD, these thoughts can be about a range of different things. They are fuelled by the urge to ignore their existence. They often need to be addressed and broken down but often people are too afraid to admit them. For example, a lot of teachers and first time mothers have the common thought ‘what if i am a paedophile?’. Doctors often imagine people naked thinking ‘I cannot imagine these people with clothes on’ and nurses often have images of killing their patients. Amy The Therapist explained to me that a thought is a thought and anxiety feeds on them. She also explained that you can train your brain very easily not to have these thoughts.

I learnt so much about myself in those 12 weeks and I carry all my taught CBT strategies through to everyday life. For example, I write down all my worries in a worry book, I practise breathing techniques and I factor in time for quiet/leisure so I am not over-worked. After my therapy, Amy The Therapist showed me my PHQ scores. I came in to that office with Severe Anxiety Disorder, Moderate Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was in complete shock! I didn’t even know how bad my mental health had got because I refused to accept the problem. My PHQ scores improved considerably to the point where my depression was overcome and my OCD had calmed significantly. My scores go to show that we all can potentially have dips in our mental health, but they CAN BE OVERCOME.

If you can relate to this post in any way, PLEASE try CBT, it is life-changing! I wish it was more common to everyday life but due to the country’s mental health stigma, it is often overlooked and people head straight for anti-depressants.

I think, where I am going with this is that:

  1. Anxiety is normal, Depression is normal, OCD is normal, MENTAL HEALTH IS NORMAL.
  2. There is always ways to overcome and manage your mental health.


So THIS is your reassurance.


Q x



Bank holiday birthday bash!

Hello everyone,

So I thought I would write a little diary entry while I draft my next post. At the moment I am leaning towards opening up about my anxiety, but it could be 10 reasons why I love cats – I will keep you posted.

So I had a weekend in the countryside with the whole of my dad’s side of the family this weekend and it was surprisingly lovely.

Surprising for many reasons. Firstly, I really don’t get on with my Dad’s side of the family. They are very snobby and middle class. When you are 15 years old and being judged for your clothing, career aspirations and choice of boyfriend, it can be very frustrating. So ever since then I have been very apprehensive to spend more than 1 hour with them. Also, it was only a couple of days after G’s funeral, so I was feeling very delicate; aka hormonal (there is a theme arising with my average mood).

This get together was for my Grandad’s birthday, he turned 85 this year. My Grandad has been my biggest fan since day dot, he is always interested in how I am, and the first person to attend everything including runs, dance shows, parties and celebrations. He had the most amazing day and so did we!

My opinion of my family changed entirely. All of us got on so well, everyone bonded and noone argued/bickered. The atmosphere wasn’t even falsely calm and we all let our hair down. We played stupid charades games, bananagram and even rounders! It goes to show, everyone can accommodate everyone! It really bought joy to my heart and I felt like a proud egg.

This is where we went:

It was truly lovely, you can actually get married here too! It is in the middle of nowhere (everything outside of London for me is in the middle of nowhere) and romantically quiet. In the evening, you can watch the horses gallop across the fields and so vividly see the most beautiful stars. I can’t express how calm and relaxed I instantly felt here!

When you have family around you, it makes you realise that all your worries are so trivial, my conversations about boys are pointless and if I ever need someone, I have over 20 relatives ready to go to war.

I really hope you, as the reader have family as amazing as mine. If you don’t, you can always share mine, although you might have to loose your inhibitions in a game of hide and seek!

Have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening reader,

A happier Q

The post-funeral feeling: in poetic form.

So, every part of my being has compelled me to write a poem to express how I feel after the funeral. I have never written a poem in my life, so let’s go.

I have linked a song by Noah and the Whale that I listened too while writing this, please feel free to give it a listen (it is so much better than the poem!).


The Candy Machine

That white noise you hear,

deafens my ears,

like an index nail,

stroking a chalk board.

My heart has collapsed like a helium balloon, post-celebration.

It lays, half floating, half deflating,

just surviving, like the word ‘satisfactory’

describing my life.


21 days taught me lessons.

Taught me life is not our own to keep,

Like a claw machine

randomly choosing a vulnerable, isolated soul

and potentially failing to complete the deed once or twice.

that frustrating slip of the finger.


I am at the fair ground,

The claw haunts my dreams and my nightmares

The balloon just simply exists,

trailing behind me recklessly yet cautiously.

I glance at the children,

I almost cup happiness in my hands,

They are outstretched to ache, it is near


Then the candyfloss surrounds,

It takes my mind, soul

The pearl swirls distort my understanding

Am I longing for happiness or sadness?

That white noise you hear?

deafens my ears.




So this isn’t really an advice post or explaining what I have learnt through silly mistakes. This is just a BIG vent.

I feel so miserable today. It is G’s funeral tomorrow and all of my best friends are going (including my twin brother). I know we will all look after each other through the sorrow and cheer each other up with funny stories (trust me G made many) but I am just feeling ridiculously anxious and down about the whole thing.

I think it is because, the day before the funeral is crunch time. For people like me, it is the time where you really face the fact your loved one is no longer walking this earth with you.


I am a mixture of angry, upset and heartbroken. I feel like there is a void in my heart that can’t be filled. I feel like this is reflecting through my conversations with people. I keep spinning everything in to something negative.

I will do a post after the funeral which will hopefully be more positive, but today I feel like one very sad egg.

have a good morning/afternoon/evening



What I have learnt about the grieving process:


So today’s post is about grieving. As a teacher, I am borderline obsessed with the process of learning. I love sharing and teaching, but I also love reflecting on what I have learnt. Often, people can misconstrue this with being ‘bossy’. I mean, I am imparting knowledge on you, the reader, but I really just want you to learn from my mistakes!

Any way, come on Q! Don’t get distracted just yet.

So as a back story, around 2 weeks ago I learnt that unfortunately one of my good friends G had passed. He was 21, I had gone to college with him and he was in my friends group. When I broke up with my ex (see post before), unfortunately we lost touch. He had mental health issues and was very depressed.  I spent last year attempting to reach out to him, and I am truly heartbroken that he is gone. However, I am determined to express that he will not be remembered for his mental health and I will constantly remind people of how clever, kind and a fucking hilarious guy he really was.

3 things that I have learnt: 

1. When you find out, You will not believe it has happened for a solid 10 minutes: So when I got the phone call, I was in H&M with my mum shopping. When my phone lit up, I knew exactly what the news would be. It is kind of spooky how strong your natural instincts really are (I sort of love it). Instantly, I collapsed to the ground and burst into tears. I am prone to panic attacks (next week’s post), and my breathing suddenly went off the rails. However, I didn’t go in to the frenzy that usually happens. I slowly got up, and my mum shuffled me to the pub to get a strong drink. And then i just sat. In heinsight, I am shocked that I didn’t freak out. I still thought he was alive, it was like something really bad just happened, but everything was still ok. I apologised to my mum and we spoke about what were going to have for dinner. About 10 minutes after the double brandy, it was like my heart was shook with a defibrillator. I took a huge breath in and his passing hit me like a ton of bricks. Although people grieve differently, the initial reaction to the understanding of any loved one passing one of the most painful feelings in the world.

2. You are going to be REALLY. FUCKING. ANGRY. Although I am a Gemini, and mood swings are innate, I am a pretty calm person. Especially with my friends, it really takes a lot for me to get angry and to express my anger. When all of my friends met up to have a drink in G’s honour (about an hour after hearing the news), I completely saw red. My friends were drinking and laughing (completely innocently) and every little thing just irritated me. For example I told my friend James to ‘shut the fuck up’ when he made a quick joke about the fact i drink brandy. I also threw my laptop at the wall later that evening when my netflix buffered. Over a week later, the anger still hasn’t subsided. At first I tried to calm myself down and artificially ‘cheer up’. Now I am just rolling with the anger, punching things and sweating out the feelings through runs. Its is going pretty well.

3. There are going to be people who will try and ride the ’emotional band wagon’ of tragedy. Don’t get angry, just bit your tongue and move on. This was my biggest lesson EVER. Over the last couple of days of everyone officially being notified about G’s passing, loads of random ex-school people started coming out of the woodwork. There are ‘friends’ who I haven’t met and there are people G explicitly disliked who just KEEP cropping up. At first, I was so offended that all these people pretended to care about G and were asking about attending the funeral. This one boy, Terrance (who is a failed comedian that regularly makes status’ that even a gassy baby wouldnt smile at) made a Facebook status. It said ‘noone knew G’s stuggles, we were all unaware, what an amazing guy’. It almost made me laugh, G hated Terrance and we would all make huge attempts to avoid his obnoxious persona at school. I got so angry that he had to audacity to MAKE A STATUS ABOUT A BOY HE BARELY KNEW and about struggles that his loved ones definitely were very bloody aware about. I was just about to hit send on a strongly worded email to Terrance when my mum put her hand on mine and simply said ‘would G want this drama?’. She was completely right… no matter who angry/upset you are, people grieve in different ways. 1 passing could hit thousands of people, even the ones who your loved one barely knew. For your loved one, just bite your tongue (and in your head imagine how you would verbally destroy them).


That’s all from me today, hope you like the advice and if you do have any questions or fancy a chat about this process, do not hesitate to comment ❤

have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening


So this is it.

Welcome to my blog, reader, I am very glad you have accidentally stumbled accross this post, I am sure you didn’t mean to and I am sure you are currently in the process of deleting this tab. Before you judge my poor grammar and questionable writing style, let me try and reel you in, please?

I am a 21 year old girl living in London, I have just graduated from uni and have had the best and worst summer of my life. All these recent events have compelled me to start this blog, earn millions and retire before I hit 30 (the ultimate dream).

Jokes aside, I am the girl you always hear those embarrassing stories about. For example, remember that girl at school that cut her lip because she kissed the boy with braces? Or the 14 year old girl who got so nervous to go to a year 11 party, that she drunk a whole bottle of vodka and threw up her spag bowl in the pool house (disclaimer: throwing up spaghetti is a nightmare).

I have decided that I am going to write about things that I have learnt, experienced and felt during the summer before I start my full time job. There is no real intention but to simply share my not-so secret life. You may find it boring, or even send you in to a light snooze (napping is always good) however please do take the time to learn from my crazy mistakes, judge my life choices and comment on how over-dramatic I truly am.

I hope to see you again reader, but if you were actually looking for porn/cat blogs then I bid you farewell!

Have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening,