Finally have some free typing time!


Notsosecretlifeofa21yearold here! Finally!

I have been trying to squeeze in typing time for about 4 days, and the week before that I didn’t have time to pee let alone spend 30 minutes on a piece.

So here it is, I am a primary school teacher. First week complete! My kids are very naughty but so endearing and genuinely hilarious. I have had my fair share of problems this week and break-through moments so I thought i would call this piece:

Surviving your first week at a new job (catchy huh? ;))

I am currently full of whitening toothpaste (5+ cups of tea is making them more yellow than the sun) and sitting in my joggers and bra, my hair is damp in a top knot and I am listening to euro-trash music. So PLEASE don’t expect a critically acclaimed post this evening (or morning). I am in such an excitable mood that anything goes today (including irrelevant ! and smiley faces:)) So here goes, take two!!!

Surviving your first week at a new job: my 3 tips

  1. Smile until your mouth aches. Nobody likes meeting people for the first time, let alone having to work with them. First impressions are ridiculously important, if they think you are a bit scatty and shrill that is MUCH BETTER than being the member of staff that doesn’t get along with anyone. This week, I have listened to stories all about the woes of carpool, the difference between lidl & Aldi and even a kick-by-kick rendition of Sunday football league. I didn’t give a shit about any of those things, but i nodded, asked obvious questions and laughed along at jokes Kevin Hart couldn’t even make funny. Although it seems a waste of time, in a few weeks time you will have a set of work friends which can give you great comfort in the long run.
  2. Find where the kettle/machine is and make bloody tea. Or coffee. This is a MUST! It is also a great way of asking other staff for things. E.g. ‘here is a tea Sandra, now could you possibly tell me how to get to the loo?’. Not only do you and Sandra become friends, she also helps you with your day. Nothing worse that aimlessly trying to spot the ladies when about to release Niagara Falls.
  3. Don’t be afraid to accept you will fuck up. This is my biggest piece of advice! I HATE getting things wrong, I am such a child about it and I struggle to take criticism. You are not expected to know anything about your new job. Let that sink in, don’t feel bad if you forgot something you were told 30 seconds ago, or used the wrong printer. This is your time to ask as many silly questions as possible and make as many mistakes. ROLL.WITH.IT. Last week, I completely forgot to teach my kids a vital part of their maths lesson, I got a slap on the wrist from my fellow year group teacher and we laughed about it! We are all human.

And PLEASE remember, no matter how vocational, it is only a job. You live one life, if you hate it – LEAVE. The world is your oyster no matter what who you are.


So fellow readers, that is it from me for now! Please comment if you fancy and give me a lil like if my writing was horrendous (reverse psychology – nifty huh? ;)) I am going to go and watch Harry Potter with my family. Hope your Sunday is restful!


Laters gang!


Q xx





My Sunday Morning Rituals

So as well as my poem, I thought I would hit you with a little about me and the next coming weeks. If you are suffering from insomnia, this will send you off.



Tomorrow morning is the first day of my first ever teaching job. I am so excited I could burst, but I am also so nervous I could throw up.

I will be teaching a year 2 class in a primary school in London. For people that aren’t as school-nerdy as me, in the UK the primary school teachers facilitate all of the subjects, there isn’t a specialism. This means that I will be teaching my 30 kids all of their lessons (mostly).

I have been prepping for a lot of the summer for this, I have a beautiful classroom (pictures to come) and an AMAZING teaching assistant who will help me through the first couple of weeks!

Unfortunately, my anxiety has completely taken over me during the last 48 hours. To the point where I feel so sick that I have been throwing up, I have been very quiet at home and I am taking hypothetical issues out of proportion. However, after writing this blog and sticking to my routines (See Anxiety post) I will be a good little egg.

To take my mind off the nerves, I also thought I would share my Sunday morning ritual! I don’t know about you, but I am so bloody nosy. I LOVE hearing what people do in the mornings, what they eat and how they spend their time. Absolutely know idea why, it just fascinates me. So I am giving it a go, wish me luck!


My Sunday Morning Ritual (wooohoo!)

8:45am – Wake up, check my phone for messages. (I am messaging a lovely Swiss guy at the moment who is always up before me, so I am usually greeted with a lovely morning message)

9am – Make a cup of tea (so English I know) and talk to my family. We usually catch up on my Saturday night out with my friends, talk about the up-coming week and usually nag my hungover brother.

10am – Breakfast – I usually have a cup of tea and toast (Sour Dough bread because I am wheat sensitive). My favourite topping is marmite and when I am feeling particularly jazzy, I swap for a poached egg.

11am – Watch a bit of TV in my pjs, consider having a shower. My favourite at the moment is Doctor Foster! I am mentally preparing myself for the new episode on Tuesday.

12pm  – Have a shower, get changed in to some fresh lazy day clothes (aka pjs) and tie my hair in to a top knot. I never wear makeup when I am at home, so I usually resemble Shrek.

1pm – This is when I do about 2 hours of solid work. This will be planning/organising for the following week. This really helps my anxiety as I have a solid time to think about what could potentially need more thought (e.g. social situations/meetings). I usually put the radio on/sit in front of the TV and type away.

3pm – Lunch. I always eat my lunch very late on a Sunday! Usually I would have a bowl of soup or maybe gluten free pasta. I have a very odd relationship with food which needs a whole new post.

3:30pm – FILM TIME! We normally go for Harry Potter, but sometimes it will be LOTR. During this time, I iron my clothes ready for next week, paint my nails and fake tan. This makes me feel happy and clean!

5pm – This is when the roast dinner goes on. Every Sunday my whole family sit down for a roast. At this time I will be peeling veg, prepping the table and helping my dad. This is the best time to hang out with my dad because we are both at our most relaxed state (we argue SO much).

7pm – DINNER. This is the time where my whole family chat about politics/historians/philosophy. It is my favourite time of the week because we giggle, argue and debate. We all help with the clearing and washing up, normally dancing to silly music too!

8pm – I pack my bag and make set my alarm for Monday. I HATE Mondays so I like to be prepared for the shit storm. This is also the time when I prep my lunches, which are usually vegetables and rice, soups or salads (YAAAWN).

9pm – Watch some TV with my mum. I usually plait her hair and paint her nails. This is the time where we bitch about people, she gives me pearls of wisdom and we gaze at TV heart throbs. My mum is so cool.

10pm – BED. I have a 6am start during the weeks and I value my 8 hours.

So that’s my Sunday! I hope you have learnt more about me, tell me your Sunday rituals too!

If that didn’t send you to sleep, I don’t know what will!


Q x

I dream of kindness…

So, this is my second poem blog post. Over the last 2 months I have realised the power of kindness. I have decided that my values/morals for the rest of my life are to be based around kindess. Kindness is my priority above everything. So, to celebrate this epiphany I have decided to write this poem. Hope you enjoy fellow reader!

The Act of Kindness.

The act of kindness is infectious,

You want to feel their kind of happiness

You want to experience those pleasures

Not have expectations of it in return

Breathe their air

Believe in their ideals


See kindness isn’t learnt

You can teach it

It isn’t always natural

But you can be born with it


Being kind to one person

Impacts a thousand souls, minds and bodies

Day to day life obscures our understanding of communication

We are compelled to act in the opposite way

We want to blame, to attack

We rarely have the urge to forgive, rather the urge to seek justice

But you cannot identify a common justice

Is justice fair? Or is it revenge?

Are we seeking what we deserve? Or inflicting pain

Is pain kindness?


Kindness is infectious,

Try it.

Fear, Anxiety and Me.

Did you know that ‘anxiety’ just means worrying?

Did you know that you don’t need to score very highly on the PHQ (patient health questionnaire that all therapists will assess your mental health on) to be diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

Did you know that a slight imbalance in your mental health is totally normal?

So these 3 questions are what I learnt in early 2017 about mental health and I feel like we all need a little reminder of these facts. 

Before I explain my story, let me hit you with some truths:

  1. Anxiety and Depression is the most common mental disorder in both the U.K and USA.
  2. 4-10% of Britons will experience depression in their life-time.
  3. Although this is not as relevant, 80% of new mums experience ‘baby blues’ which is linked to Postpartum Depression.
  4. 1 in 6 adults have a common mental disorder (note the focus on common).

Unless you are a very lucky soul, you will experience some issues with your mental health. Does this mean that you are crazy, weak or different? NO. This is totally normal, you are not expected as a human being to be perfect! I would be genuinely terrified if you had a smile plastered all over your face 24/7!

The reason I am writing this post is because I am such a believer in prioritising mental health. I think it is THE most important thing in your life, it binds together every factor of existence and can make or break you. Additionally, when I was at my worse, I didn’t seem to find reassurance. THIS IS YOUR REASSURANCE! I can promise you with my whole heart that it is completely normal to feel like you are not worth this life, you can’t get out of bed and struggle to see a life without these demons. It isn’t you simply over exaggerating or being silly, it is your HUMAN FEELINGS.

So here goes:

After my break up (see advice to dumpees for more goss about it), my mental health dipped. I am naturally a worrier, I seek ALOT of comfort from my worries and often spend hours worrying about things like ‘is the front door closed?’ or ‘will strangers stab me in my sleep if I sleep with my bedroom light on?’.

Throughout the weeks post breakup, I became increasingly more anxious. I was beginning to find everyday life very difficult. I would often go to bed at 9pm, get over 12 hours of sleep and still not want to leave my bed. I was very irritable, wouldn’t socialise much and took no pride in myself. I became very ill with constant sore throats, intense stomache aches and sore legs from the constant ‘on edge’ tension I felt.

My tipping point was when I stopped going to uni for a while and had a job interview for my dream school. Naturally, because I was so anxious I really struggled to be on top-form during the interview. The head teacher commented on my trial lesson as ‘one of the worst lessons I have ever seen’. Despite getting the job, this really knocked my confidence. I felt like I couldn’t celebrate anything and I was completely worthless.

I only went to the doctors to ask for anti-depressants to help me get through the last couple of months of university. When I explained how I was feeling, he immediately dismissed my request and referred me to CBT.

CBT is a short for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is a type of therapy which is very common. It focuses on creating routines/behaviours which help deal with depression and anxiety. The aim was to cope with the problem rather than ‘cure’ the problem.

I saw the amazing Amy The Therapist for 12 weeks. For the first 4 hours of therapy I spent the time crying, asking her if i was crazy and telling her my life story. I am a massive learner, and I really wanted to understand my mental state. CBT did this. Amy The Therapist explained that I was just experiencing a moment of high anxiety and this was because my body was in over-drive.

One of the key issues for me was intrusive thoughts; these are thoughts that get start as a ‘worry’ and then spiral completely out of control. Commonly experienced by OCD, these thoughts can be about a range of different things. They are fuelled by the urge to ignore their existence. They often need to be addressed and broken down but often people are too afraid to admit them. For example, a lot of teachers and first time mothers have the common thought ‘what if i am a paedophile?’. Doctors often imagine people naked thinking ‘I cannot imagine these people with clothes on’ and nurses often have images of killing their patients. Amy The Therapist explained to me that a thought is a thought and anxiety feeds on them. She also explained that you can train your brain very easily not to have these thoughts.

I learnt so much about myself in those 12 weeks and I carry all my taught CBT strategies through to everyday life. For example, I write down all my worries in a worry book, I practise breathing techniques and I factor in time for quiet/leisure so I am not over-worked. After my therapy, Amy The Therapist showed me my PHQ scores. I came in to that office with Severe Anxiety Disorder, Moderate Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was in complete shock! I didn’t even know how bad my mental health had got because I refused to accept the problem. My PHQ scores improved considerably to the point where my depression was overcome and my OCD had calmed significantly. My scores go to show that we all can potentially have dips in our mental health, but they CAN BE OVERCOME.

If you can relate to this post in any way, PLEASE try CBT, it is life-changing! I wish it was more common to everyday life but due to the country’s mental health stigma, it is often overlooked and people head straight for anti-depressants.

I think, where I am going with this is that:

  1. Anxiety is normal, Depression is normal, OCD is normal, MENTAL HEALTH IS NORMAL.
  2. There is always ways to overcome and manage your mental health.


So THIS is your reassurance.


Q x



Bank holiday birthday bash!

Hello everyone,

So I thought I would write a little diary entry while I draft my next post. At the moment I am leaning towards opening up about my anxiety, but it could be 10 reasons why I love cats – I will keep you posted.

So I had a weekend in the countryside with the whole of my dad’s side of the family this weekend and it was surprisingly lovely.

Surprising for many reasons. Firstly, I really don’t get on with my Dad’s side of the family. They are very snobby and middle class. When you are 15 years old and being judged for your clothing, career aspirations and choice of boyfriend, it can be very frustrating. So ever since then I have been very apprehensive to spend more than 1 hour with them. Also, it was only a couple of days after G’s funeral, so I was feeling very delicate; aka hormonal (there is a theme arising with my average mood).

This get together was for my Grandad’s birthday, he turned 85 this year. My Grandad has been my biggest fan since day dot, he is always interested in how I am, and the first person to attend everything including runs, dance shows, parties and celebrations. He had the most amazing day and so did we!

My opinion of my family changed entirely. All of us got on so well, everyone bonded and noone argued/bickered. The atmosphere wasn’t even falsely calm and we all let our hair down. We played stupid charades games, bananagram and even rounders! It goes to show, everyone can accommodate everyone! It really bought joy to my heart and I felt like a proud egg.

This is where we went:

It was truly lovely, you can actually get married here too! It is in the middle of nowhere (everything outside of London for me is in the middle of nowhere) and romantically quiet. In the evening, you can watch the horses gallop across the fields and so vividly see the most beautiful stars. I can’t express how calm and relaxed I instantly felt here!

When you have family around you, it makes you realise that all your worries are so trivial, my conversations about boys are pointless and if I ever need someone, I have over 20 relatives ready to go to war.

I really hope you, as the reader have family as amazing as mine. If you don’t, you can always share mine, although you might have to loose your inhibitions in a game of hide and seek!

Have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening reader,

A happier Q

The post-funeral feeling: in poetic form.

So, every part of my being has compelled me to write a poem to express how I feel after the funeral. I have never written a poem in my life, so let’s go.

I have linked a song by Noah and the Whale that I listened too while writing this, please feel free to give it a listen (it is so much better than the poem!).


The Candy Machine

That white noise you hear,

deafens my ears,

like an index nail,

stroking a chalk board.

My heart has collapsed like a helium balloon, post-celebration.

It lays, half floating, half deflating,

just surviving, like the word ‘satisfactory’

describing my life.


21 days taught me lessons.

Taught me life is not our own to keep,

Like a claw machine

randomly choosing a vulnerable, isolated soul

and potentially failing to complete the deed once or twice.

that frustrating slip of the finger.


I am at the fair ground,

The claw haunts my dreams and my nightmares

The balloon just simply exists,

trailing behind me recklessly yet cautiously.

I glance at the children,

I almost cup happiness in my hands,

They are outstretched to ache, it is near


Then the candyfloss surrounds,

It takes my mind, soul

The pearl swirls distort my understanding

Am I longing for happiness or sadness?

That white noise you hear?

deafens my ears.




So this isn’t really an advice post or explaining what I have learnt through silly mistakes. This is just a BIG vent.

I feel so miserable today. It is G’s funeral tomorrow and all of my best friends are going (including my twin brother). I know we will all look after each other through the sorrow and cheer each other up with funny stories (trust me G made many) but I am just feeling ridiculously anxious and down about the whole thing.

I think it is because, the day before the funeral is crunch time. For people like me, it is the time where you really face the fact your loved one is no longer walking this earth with you.


I am a mixture of angry, upset and heartbroken. I feel like there is a void in my heart that can’t be filled. I feel like this is reflecting through my conversations with people. I keep spinning everything in to something negative.

I will do a post after the funeral which will hopefully be more positive, but today I feel like one very sad egg.

have a good morning/afternoon/evening



What I have learnt about the grieving process:


So today’s post is about grieving. As a teacher, I am borderline obsessed with the process of learning. I love sharing and teaching, but I also love reflecting on what I have learnt. Often, people can misconstrue this with being ‘bossy’. I mean, I am imparting knowledge on you, the reader, but I really just want you to learn from my mistakes!

Any way, come on Q! Don’t get distracted just yet.

So as a back story, around 2 weeks ago I learnt that unfortunately one of my good friends G had passed. He was 21, I had gone to college with him and he was in my friends group. When I broke up with my ex (see post before), unfortunately we lost touch. He had mental health issues and was very depressed.  I spent last year attempting to reach out to him, and I am truly heartbroken that he is gone. However, I am determined to express that he will not be remembered for his mental health and I will constantly remind people of how clever, kind and a fucking hilarious guy he really was.

3 things that I have learnt: 

1. When you find out, You will not believe it has happened for a solid 10 minutes: So when I got the phone call, I was in H&M with my mum shopping. When my phone lit up, I knew exactly what the news would be. It is kind of spooky how strong your natural instincts really are (I sort of love it). Instantly, I collapsed to the ground and burst into tears. I am prone to panic attacks (next week’s post), and my breathing suddenly went off the rails. However, I didn’t go in to the frenzy that usually happens. I slowly got up, and my mum shuffled me to the pub to get a strong drink. And then i just sat. In heinsight, I am shocked that I didn’t freak out. I still thought he was alive, it was like something really bad just happened, but everything was still ok. I apologised to my mum and we spoke about what were going to have for dinner. About 10 minutes after the double brandy, it was like my heart was shook with a defibrillator. I took a huge breath in and his passing hit me like a ton of bricks. Although people grieve differently, the initial reaction to the understanding of any loved one passing one of the most painful feelings in the world.

2. You are going to be REALLY. FUCKING. ANGRY. Although I am a Gemini, and mood swings are innate, I am a pretty calm person. Especially with my friends, it really takes a lot for me to get angry and to express my anger. When all of my friends met up to have a drink in G’s honour (about an hour after hearing the news), I completely saw red. My friends were drinking and laughing (completely innocently) and every little thing just irritated me. For example I told my friend James to ‘shut the fuck up’ when he made a quick joke about the fact i drink brandy. I also threw my laptop at the wall later that evening when my netflix buffered. Over a week later, the anger still hasn’t subsided. At first I tried to calm myself down and artificially ‘cheer up’. Now I am just rolling with the anger, punching things and sweating out the feelings through runs. Its is going pretty well.

3. There are going to be people who will try and ride the ’emotional band wagon’ of tragedy. Don’t get angry, just bit your tongue and move on. This was my biggest lesson EVER. Over the last couple of days of everyone officially being notified about G’s passing, loads of random ex-school people started coming out of the woodwork. There are ‘friends’ who I haven’t met and there are people G explicitly disliked who just KEEP cropping up. At first, I was so offended that all these people pretended to care about G and were asking about attending the funeral. This one boy, Terrance (who is a failed comedian that regularly makes status’ that even a gassy baby wouldnt smile at) made a Facebook status. It said ‘noone knew G’s stuggles, we were all unaware, what an amazing guy’. It almost made me laugh, G hated Terrance and we would all make huge attempts to avoid his obnoxious persona at school. I got so angry that he had to audacity to MAKE A STATUS ABOUT A BOY HE BARELY KNEW and about struggles that his loved ones definitely were very bloody aware about. I was just about to hit send on a strongly worded email to Terrance when my mum put her hand on mine and simply said ‘would G want this drama?’. She was completely right… no matter who angry/upset you are, people grieve in different ways. 1 passing could hit thousands of people, even the ones who your loved one barely knew. For your loved one, just bite your tongue (and in your head imagine how you would verbally destroy them).


That’s all from me today, hope you like the advice and if you do have any questions or fancy a chat about this process, do not hesitate to comment ❤

have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening


My advice to the ‘dumpees’

So, happy third post to me!

I am finding WordPress VERY therapeutic, sharing my weird life. It is making me feel very wise and my mistakes a little less bad.

So, as the title says, I am going to be sharing my pearls of wisdom from possibly my worst breakup to date. 

I went out with G for about 2 years, however we had been on-and-off flirting/kissing for 4 years. So from the age of 16-20, he was a massive part of my life. When we first got together properly at 18, I fell in love straight away.  He would tell me how beautiful I am everyday and was very romantic. Within about 24 hours I had convinced myself that I was going to be Mrs G, have beautiful children and happily ever after with him. G thought the same, we spoke about proposing in Paris and getting married in Bora Bora. We were the most PDA couple you had ever seen.

Unfortunately, myself and G had very different ideals for our relationship. He wanted to chill and live from the bank of mum and dad. I wanted to go and see every corner of the world whilst holding his hand. We got very serious all of a sudden and this ‘ultimatum’ of committing to a future arose for G.  After about 2 weeks of arguing, he decided he didn’t want to commit to me or a future with me. I was completely heartbroken, I fell apart. 3 months after we broke up, in January this year, I experienced CBT and was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (there will be a post about this) and Clinical Depression. This post will hopefully give you a bit of advice that you might not have already heard. So here goes.

My advice to recent dumpees: 

1, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO SEE EACH OTHER IN THE FIRST MONTH OF BREAKING UP: So, this rule is something that I was never told. I am a strong individual who (most of the time) understands my self worth. However, when the love of your life has basically dumped you, then 2 weeks later asks to see you, DON’T GO. Unfortunately, I had noone to tell me the risks of doing this. Me and G used to go for coffee every week to maintain our ‘friendship’. I would look forward to this part of the week so much that my expectations would raise higher and higher. Surely if he wants to see me he wants to get back together with me? yeah? And if he wants to get back together with me, he will change his ways? NO. I would flirt outrageously and try to show him that I was still interested. Every week we would meet up and more would happen. The first time we hugged, then the following week we held hands, then kissed, then he came back to mine and we slept together again, it was like a high school romance for fuck sake. However, after we slept together again he didn’t cuddle me, made a sworded excuse to go and didn’t text me for 2 weeks. I was certain he was going to get back together with me when in actual fact he just needed to have sex. The worst part, was the 14 days it took to realise that he wasn’t going to get back together with me. SOUL. DESTROYING.

2, Have your time to cry/mope/overeat. This is something that I can’t stress enough. I tried to pretend everything was okay for SO LONG. I was over-happy at work, would attend all of these nights out, would kiss boys to show I was getting over G and threw out ALL of his stuff. You just can’t do this! You need to hold their manky t-shirt and cry over them. You need to hear the couple song you two shared and take a moment to reminisce. Spend at least 2 weeks just in a state of mope. Solid mope. Don’t wash your hair, eat kale or workout. Spend these 2 weeks watching romantic films, eating pizza and crying in to a glass of wine. Try and get as many hugs as you can from your family and DON’T LISTEN TO ANYONE’S ADVICE. This is your time to wallow in self-pity, you can re-evaluate your life after watching that season of Gossip Girl. Wallowing is so healthy, expressing how you feel no matter how negatively is part of the process that so many people miss.

3, Those mutual friends that you ‘love so much’? Don’t bother with them.  It is actually baffling how many friends you lose during a breakup. I mean, i totally get having to bid your farewells to the family. But mutual friends of 4 years? Yep them too. About 2 months after I broke up with G, I went to a house party with A LOT of our mutual friends (we are still in the same friends group). I decide I wasn’t going to talk about the breakup and just focus on getting drunk and having fun. I saw G with our usual friends, I went up to the group and it just went painfully quiet. After about 5 minutes of awkward conversation and glugs of vodka coke, our friend simply walks up to me and say ‘you do realise our loyalties lie with G’. We haven’t spoken since.

4, Set some AMAZING FUCKING GOALS. So this is my favourite and best bit of advice. When you are ready, go and do something ridiculously fun. Go and do something that you want to do or something that you have been dreading. I love running, so I decided to run 10km for charity. I had never run this distance before, and I raised £300 for a charity so close to my heart. When I crossed that finish line, I decided that it wasn’t enough. So I decided that next year, I am going to permanently move to Barcelona. I am going to learn Spanish and I am going to live in my own flat. For me, this is a dream that I never even knew I so passionately had. I have begun research, and I will keep you posted about my plans.

And lastly, maybe they really weren’t the one? So after going through the moping, silly mistakes stage and then the self-discovery, I want you to really question this. If your feelings towards them after 6 months are the same and you are still besotted, you go and get them back. True love goes through all tests of time and I am sure if you feel this way, they will too. However, to the people reading this who no longer share these feelings for their significant other; were they the one? Would your other half ever let you go through this? Does he/she deserve your love? Can you still see a future with this person?

Unfortunately one of the hardest parts of break-ups are accepting that they were not the one.

On that note, have a lovely morning/afternoon/evening,


Hope this helps.


Let me tell you about clubbing.

So it is 22:45pm, I have a sore throat and can’t seem to get a wink of sleep. The reason I am deeply distressed about this is because I had been clubbing till 5am the night before and I.NEED.SLEEP.

Instead of counting sheep, I am going to tell you, the reader, about clubbing life.

So, ever since becoming single about 10 months ago, I go clubbing ALOT. I am saying every Friday/Saturday. Let me tell you 5 things I have learnt and will never forget:

Introducing, Q’s insight to clubbing (mostly in the South London region)

  1. Each club has a different dress code: Ok, so you may think that is this a given, however i find this fascinating. In 1 town, I could be wearing manky converse, a 3 year old crop top and limited makeup and get in to a club whereas in another town i would be sent away if i didnt have strappy heels and a clingy dress on. Particularly in Wimbledon, it is a given to get your glad rags on, especially in bars. I hate to think of all the sore feet in the morning. RIP.
  2. Pulling it is not always a successful occurrence: When I first became single, I felt fresh out of the womb! I was ready to go out there, talk to sleazy guys and kiss some drunken lips. The first night out I went on, I was SO SUCCESSFUL. To the point that I had men surrounding me. However reader, this is a complete anomaly. Ever since that evening, I have not seemed to pull anyone that is worth talking about! Often it is because I am too worried about what I look like…or to drunk to even see straight! Regardless, ‘going out on the pull’ is just words. just.words. 
  3. All men are the same: I am not going to go in to a massive feminist rant here, but seriously what is it with you guys! Every scenario is the same:

Guy: (after about 5 minutes of borderline creepy exchanges of looks) Hey. 

Me: (fingers crossed,hopeful) Hey, how are you?

Guy: (completely ignoring my question) So are you single?

Me: errrm…yes?

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Guy: Can I get a kiss?

Guy: Where are you staying tonight?

I mean, sometimes they ask me what I do and hold out for about 5 more minutes until firing those magic 4 questions to me but nethertheless, this happens a lot. When you reject their question, it is like pressing a reset button on an iphone, THEY START AGAIN ON ANOTHER GIRL. FACTORY SETTINGS.

4. You are always going to spend more money than you think: This is a given, however I always forget what you need to budget for. Most evenings I go out with the knowledge that I am broke and just say to myself ‘just buy the cheap drinks, it will be fine’ however I always seem to spend £100 when i budgeted £30. I always fall in love with one of the barman and come back to the bar just to see him, or find a girl in the toilets that is ‘just like me’ (when they are REALLY not). I also just HAVE to tip the toilet lady £5 and pay for the £40 Uber home…you see where I am going with this.

5. Last but not least, single ladies, you will not find the man of your dreams here: I WISH I could be dancing in my sexy backless dress and BOOM the nicest, funniest, kindest, fittest guy with a massive package just explodes through the entrance with a fan fair and a superhero cape. However, the guys that go in to the club are mostly drunk messes, looking for a bit of fun or are just general sleezebags. I am sorry but it is true, you have more chance in that fantasy bus stop scene then you do in a club (the scene where Ed Westwick comes to sit next to you on the bus…I know you think it).

So there it is, I have imparted my wisdom on a solid 4 hours of sleep. I hope you enjoy this post. Please feel free to comment/hate on this post.

Q x